Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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