Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and she was petting her beer can
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
