Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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