I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
