My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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