I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
