Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
