tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
