Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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