So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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