I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
