Apparently you make a good broom.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
