I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
