I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
