i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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