One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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