it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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