I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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