ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
