I accidentally had phone sex last night
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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