Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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