I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
