omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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