My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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