i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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