He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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