I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
