if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
