I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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