woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
