my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
