Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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