If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize