Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Randomize
