I could make wine with my vomit
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
