If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize