peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
