come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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