her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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