Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
