the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
