does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
