I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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