i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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