my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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