dude i'm inner monologue high
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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