today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
