I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
