My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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