I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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