Betty ford says i'm here all night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
