You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
