I showed him my bush... on skype.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize