my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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