I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
