Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
