i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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